It is an understatement to say that I have received many questions on this topic.

Today, I am responding to a request from 2 different followers that asked about how to handle in-laws who use guilt and manipulation as means to get what they want

In my work with new parents and families I have found that the reason so many people struggle in a relationship with an in-law is because there are so many core issues being triggered. In our society the in-law is usually moving from being in a parent role to being in a hands-off role. If marriage happens prior to children, or at all, this can begin at time of marriage, but it is magnified when a child comes along. It is not uncommon for an in-law to feel disrespected, not considered, less important, displaced, and insecure. This can look like anger, fear, resentment, passive-aggressive remarks and behavior, and attempts to control with guilt/manipulation. As a parent, our roles and identity are changing as well. It is not uncommon to shift from a space of wanting to please your in-laws to caring less about pleasing them and more about getting them to respect “your” family values and rules. Many parents report feeling criticized, judged, and mistrusted by their in-law(s). In action this can lead to the parent coming across as controlling, isolating, dominating, passive-aggressive and mistrusting of the in-law(s). So, it is no mystery as to why this pot can get stirred up quickly.

The good news is that there is a way to drop back into your heart and back into acting from a mindful space.

Before I speak to this I want you to pause, take a 3 long, slow deep breaths and exhale. Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What am I really wanting/needing from the in-law who is triggering me? (acceptance, understanding, kindness, respect, love?)
2. If I consider the most innocent possible view of this in-law, what are they wanting/needing from me? (compliance, acceptance, ease, understanding?)
3. If I am honest with myself, how has my energy/tone/response been with this in-law when conflict arises? (Am I passive, passive-aggressive, assertive, agressive, weak, seeking approval, angry, cold?)
4. In this specific situation, what is in the best interest, the whole family (child(ren), partner, self, in-law(s)?

I have found that the answers to these questions become a guide towards defusing the drama around the specifics of the situation and bring you back to your core. After all, most of us do want what is best for our family. Anger can cloud and even sabotage our ability to move towards our higher intent. This is why it is so important to get clear on these answers.

When an individual resorts to guilt and manipulation they typically struggle with boundary setting, insecurity and feeling out of control.  It may be helpful to view your in-law through this lens.  Do they struggle to know how to set a healthy boundary or make a request? Perhaps they feel insecure around if they still hold importance in the family. Maybe they lack the skill and knowledge to know how to communicate when they fear they won’t get what they are wanting.

It is not your job to fix them. However, it is kind and a wonderful model for your children to use your ability to step into your in-laws shoes as a way to help manage a situation more skillfully. It is also helpful to recognize that their behaviors may be how they deal with conflict and may not be personal to how they deal with you.

What are you wanting and/or needing? What comes up for you when you imagine sharing this with your in-law? Fear, resistance? This is a wonderful and humbling practice. Congratulations, you are mindfully parenting RIGHT NOW. Noticing our own discomfort and resistance can help us recognize our part in the struggle with the other.

Pause for a moment. When you imagine your child being in a difficult moment with another person, how do you deeply wish for them to respond? My guess is that retreating, yelling and being passive-aggressive are not at the top of your wish list. However, it is natural to turn to these defenses when you feel you are being treated poorly. This is an opportunity to model the behavior you are wanting for your child to learn. They will likely never see this interaction (in fact, it is often unhealthy to involve the kiddo’s). However, your child(ren) will feel/pick-up on the shift that occurs in you as you practice this in your life.

I often get the question of “should I have my partner talk to the in-law since it is their parent.” While there is never a black and white answer to this, my tendency is to lean towards “no”. It is usually more difficult to address your in-law directly. Yet, it is a powerful practice. Not only are you removing your partner from the middle, but in doing so you are asking your in-law to see your humanness. Vulnerable, yes. Courageous, yes. Always a good outcome, not always or immediately. Yet, over time, you will find that the dynamic between you and this individual will shift; often leading to more mutual respect, even when there is not agreement.

Simply practicing the above inquiries will help you to soften and allow your mind to expand into considering both self and other. Perhaps this is as far as you are comfortable going right now. This is not only enough but it is a powerful step in healing your relationship with your in-law(s). You are cultivating compassion for all involved. If you find that the suggestion below leads you to feel any consuming, challenged emotion, it is actually much wiser to stop here and allow yourself to bath in the fruit of this practice alone.

If you feel ready to go a step further, you can try to talk with the in-law you are struggling with in a one-on-one setting. Do the above exercise prior to your talk. Set an intention such as, “may I stay in my heart as much as possible, even as reactive patterns arise.” It can be helpful to lead into the conversation by sharing about your desire to better understand their perspective.  Ask them what they are most wanting/needing from the situation at hand. Remind yourself that their answer does not mean you have to do what they are wanting/needing. Simply hearing them can go a long way. Listen to them. Pause. Ask yourself if they may be receptive to hearing what you are wanting/needing. Ask them if they are. Move forward accordingly. If they say no, exhale. The intention is not resolution but to stay in your heart. At the end, thank them. Remember, this was likely difficult and brave for both of you.

This practice is a process and can take many years to shift. Often times the shift occurs is inside you alone and requires an acceptance that the other is not going to change.

Sending you and your family healing, understanding and the courage to stay in humility.

If you have a question your would like me to blog about please email me at JodiStrockLMFT@gmail.com. Thank you for reading.